Beyond “How Do You Feel?”

There are parenting trends in every generation.

Right now, we are raising children in a time when there is an enormous emphasis on feelings—and in many ways, that has been a really positive shift.

We have feelings charts and color wheels. We have picture books about every emotion imaginable. We teach children the words for frustrated, disappointed, overwhelmed, worried, jealous, excited, and anxious. We ask, How did that make you feel? We remind them that all feelings are okay. We encourage them to speak up, advocate for themselves, and tell us what they need.

There is so much good in that. 

I want children to understand themselves. I want them to know that their feelings matter. I want them to be able to say, “I’m feeling nervous,” instead of shutting down, or “That hurt my feelings,” instead of hurting someone else.

But lately, I’ve recognized there also exists another side of this conversation that deserves our attention.

Are we spending so much time teaching children to look inward that we are accidentally giving them the message to forget about looking outward?

There is a subtle difference between emotional awareness and self-absorption, and overemphasizing their feelings and choices can easily lead down the path of the latter. When every experience begins with How do I feel about this? What do I want? Am I comfortable? Am I ready? It gradually becomes harder to notice the other people in the room and leave room for how they might be feeling and what they might be thinking, especially when it is different from one's own thoughts.

These are hypothetical questions because ultimately we know it is time to leave, time to get their shoes on, time to clean up. However, by posing the question, we accidentally hand control to the child regarding whether they will comply. And let's be real, their answer is almost always going to be "no".

Now we open the door to a power struggle when we eventually inform them it is time to go—time to do what they won't want to do but need to do anyway. We kick the can down the road, since it is not feasible to never leave. So where is the line between letting them choose vs us choosing for them?

This sends a conflicting message when our children tell us they don't want to leave after we've asked, and then we go against their wishes. It becomes unpredictable for the child to understand when we are in charge and when we are not. It leads them to attempt taking back the control we handed them by posing the question in the first place.

However, we can eliminate that entire chain reaction if we simply said:

It’s time to go. I’ll help you get ready.

Shoes on, please.

We’re going to clean this up together.

There can still be kindness. There can still be connection. There can still be room for feelings. It does not mean disrespecting their autonomy and their independence. It simply does not hand them control they are not yet equipped to handle.

“I know you don’t want to leave. You’re having such a good time. It’s hard to stop when you’re having fun. And it’s time to go.”

Both things can be true.

I hear you. And I am still the adult.

There is something reassuring about that kind of leadership. Children don’t have to carry the responsibility of deciding everything because an adult they trust is willing to carry some of it for them. And decision fatigue is REAL!

From Self-Awareness to Community Awareness

This is something I want us to think about at CASCO, too.

We talk a lot about independence. We want learners to know themselves, advocate for themselves, make choices, pursue interests, and take increasing ownership of their learning.

But independence without community awareness isn’t really the goal.

We are a learning community.

That means every person in the building affects the experience of everyone else.

We want our learners to be able to recognize:

This is what I’m feeling.

And then eventually:

I wonder what you’re feeling.

And beyond that:

What does this moment need from me?

That last question feels especially important.

Maybe the next step after emotional intelligence is social awareness—learning to read the room, notice other people, recognize what a situation calls for, and understand that sometimes our responsibility extends beyond ourselves.

Can I notice the younger child who needs help?

Can I see that someone is being left out?

Can I recognize that the group is waiting for me?

Can I contribute without being asked?

Can I adjust my behavior because I understand how it affects the people around me?

Can I do something that isn’t my favorite because it helps our community?

Those skills matter in childhood, but they also matter enormously in adulthood.

Maybe It’s About Balance

I don’t want to go backwards.

I don’t want children to grow up believing they should ignore their emotions, keep everything inside, or blindly obey adults.

But I also don’t think the answer is raising children who believe every feeling requires accommodation or every preference requires negotiation.

Maybe the work is helping children hold both.

Know yourself. Notice others.

Your feelings matter.

Other people’s feelings matter too.

Your voice matters.

You are also part of something larger than yourself.

You can advocate for what you need.

Sometimes you can also tolerate discomfort.

You deserve respect.

And you have a responsibility to treat others with respect.

You are capable of making choices.

And sometimes a trusted adult will make the choice.

Maybe that is what conscious parenting—and conscious education—looks like.

Not parenting from fear. Not parenting according to whichever philosophy happens to be trending. Not dismissing children’s feelings, and not organizing family life around them either.

Instead, we stay curious. We pay attention. We talk with one another. We notice what is working and what isn’t. We remain willing to adjust.

And most importantly, we stay grounded enough to lead.

Because perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give children isn’t simply teaching them to ask:

How do I feel?

It is helping them grow into people who can also look around and ask:

How can I contribute here?

We want to raise our children to be main characters in their story! To advocate for themselves and to stand up for what they believe in.

But we cannot forget that while they are the main character in their own story, they are not the main character in everyone else's! Helping our children succeed should include empowering them not only to be main characters, but to help them recognize the moments when it is important to show up as a supporting character for those around us.