Connection over convenience

Helm: Connection & Tools

This month, we’ve been thinking about connection—and the tools we use to stay in it, especially when it’s hard.

Because often, the moments that matter most in parenting are the ones where it would be easier to move on, give in, or smooth things over. But those are also the moments where connection has the opportunity to grow.

CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT

Whining and crying! Why are those sounds so triggering to the human ear?! Or is it just me?

It could have something to do with the fact that we are all running 100 mph juggling one too many things while also “cutting back” and trying to soak up every moment with our families, co-regulating our children when they are in moments of crisis while also making sure they are signed up for camps, classes, extracurriculars, and oh yeah don’t forget managing our own wellbeing from time to time :)

You know, no big deal.

I often notice patterns of increasing anxiety in children. More worries, more behavioral responses, and more conversations to be had regarding social/emotional well-being.

And then I read something that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Majority of the behavior exhibited in children is caught, not taught.

As in, caught from us and the intangible examples we are setting as we do it all. And yet how many of us preach the classic lessons teaching children for what we hope to see in them? To be okay with making mistakes, that it is impossible to have it all, that managing time is crucial to success, treat others the way you want to be treated, be brave, don’t be afraid to ask for help, advocate for your needs, learn when to take a step back, etc, etc, etc

Beyond these sermons that stand the test of time, what speaks more to our children, is the way we act and react.

We can teach these lessons until we are blue in the face; endless lessons on sharing, kindness, patience, independence, courage. All buzz words we likely all often use around our children.

But amongst the hustle, let’s take a moment to pause and remember that our children will “catch” from us what they see in us. How we maneuver around the world, how we self-regulate (vocally or not), how we treat others, how we respond to stress.

Where they spend their time matters. Who they spend their time with matters. Because they are constantly absorbing the world around them, and we have this precious window of time to establish in them what we have in us.

The Squishy Saga

“Can I have a squishy?” 

It sounds simple, small, no big deal, right??? It would have been so easy—click, add to cart, done. But instead, it became a whole thing—a HUGE thing. I can’t believe I’m even writing about a squishy. I think I’ve said the word a hundred times over the past few days. For three, maybe four days (now a month!), we lived in the squishy conversation. It came up during car rides, at the dinner table, and during morning check-ins before the day began. It kept resurfacing. 

At first, it was all about the squishy—“I need a squishy, I want a squishy!” But I knew it wasn’t really about that. What’s the deal?! So we decided to slow it down. All of us. What’s truly going on here? Why does this matter so much? Our pushback made her VERY upset. How could we not just buy it? “Are we broke?!” she kept asking. Over and over, she explained all the reasons why she needed it, and we kept responding with more questions. Somewhere along the way, we went from one squishy to four. Why four?! Were we trading squishies??? Clearly, we weren’t grasping the full picture. That first night, after everything settled down, I sat down to answer emails (or, rather, scroll through social media, ha!), and she returned with a five-paragraph persuasive essay! Every reason for why the squishies were necessary was clearly laid out. I had to smile. We talked it through together, gently asking, “Why does this matter so much?” Eventually, we got there. It wasn’t about the squishy at all. It was about fitting in, belonging, and having what other kids have.  

Once we reached that understanding, the conversation shifted. We talked about our family values and how we think about trends and consumerism—the constant pull to desire more. I shared my story about the jacket I wanted more than anything—an Adidas starter jacket I received for Christmas. I couldn’t believe it when I opened it. It was a jump-up-and-down gift! But soon after, it wasn’t enough. I needed the toggles, the little add-ons, and the pieces I could trade at school to fit in just a little more. Mike also shared his side, explaining how he never got the jacket at all! (Poor Mike!) It made us laugh because we all have those stories—things we thought would finally be enough.  And then suddenly, it wasn’t just about her; it was about all of us.

This is the tension we face, right? We can give them what they want—and sometimes we do. But when wanting becomes constant, immediate, and expected, that’s where we pause.  Holding your ground in those moments isn’t easy. It would have been quicker to just say yes and easier to avoid the back-and-forth, leading to fewer tears and less intense emotion. But instead, we stayed in it—the conversations, the pushback, and the circling back again. That’s the part that takes work.  

Here’s what I keep returning to: She will get the squishy, but it won’t mean the same thing it would have a few days ago. Now it carries awareness, thought, and context. She understands a little more about herself—what it feels like to want something and what’s underneath that feeling.  We’re raising kids in a world where everything is immediate—add to cart, and it arrives tomorrow, then on to the next thing. I believe our job is to slow that down, to stretch the space between wanting and having, to sit in inconvenient conversations, and to engage when it would be easier to move on.  The Squishy Saga wasn’t really about a toy. It was about learning how to pause, reflect, and understand yourself a little better before getting what you want.

And as exhausting as it can be in the moment, this kind of work matters. 

It always pays off later.

So, Are squishies really that great??

YES, ABSOLUTELY! So satisfying! If they haven’t made it to your home yet, they will! GET READY!